Life is strange sometimes

You never really know why certain things happen in your life.....why you meet certain people......why you lose touch with certain people. All you can do is chalk it up to fate and hope that whatever plan God has for you, isn't a bad one.  It all happens for a reason....sometimes you just have to look deeper to see what that reason is.
I went so many years being unhappy...having my trust betrayed, having people lie to me....somehow I managed to keep smiling and hiding it.  Sometimes you really start to believe that whatever God's plan is...that in it, you just aren't meant to be happy.  I don't know God personally....I was brought up catholic and just told to believe that he does everything for a reason....so that's what I still believe.    I had it rough in the last 11 years....no arguing that.  A car accident that nearly killed me...and almost crippled me. I walked around for 7 years with damaged vertebrae in my neck and pain in my back, neck and leg (all caused by the neck injury), and my doctor's didn't believe me....until they finally found the injury (thanks to ONE doctor who went above and beyond the call and forced Harvard Health to give me an MRI ).  So I had surgery on my neck and although I still have a little pain here and there and sometimes my back stiffens up...I am much better off.  I  have spent the last year busting my ass with a personal trainer and at the gym getting myself back into the kind of shape I was in before the accident. I still have a little ways to go...but I am not stopping until I am there. I am even doing P90X now and also joined another gym cuz my membership at my current one ends next week.....But right now I am in great shape.....and still busting my ass every week to get in even BETTER shape.  On top of that.....my personal life was in shambles for a while....no need to go into all the details.....since I have in previous posts...but as I have said..because of all that..trust does not come easy for me.  I don't trust many people.....it saves me heartbreak and pain that way.  But I want to be able to have someone to share everything with.....I have so much to give. I go out of my way to be nice to people...especially people I care about.  I am just always afraid to try and take it to the next level because of everything that's happened to me.  It's a self defense mechanism.......and it probably has cost me chances with some very nice women I have met over the past 7-8 years.  I just don't let them in or open up to them.  I also lost my job even though I busted my ass every day for those people........
 So any way..back to my point....everything that happened to me...led me to where I am right now....new outlook...new job....etc    And so, someone comes along who I just know....without a doubt...that is one of those people I would trust with my life......was I brought to this point to meet this person for a reason?
But there is always a complication......whether it's them being married...or age....or them just wanting to be casual friends.....or my own fear of rejection or taking it to the next level. ....it's always something.  It's not often that you meet a person who just seems to be everything you like in a person...and I mean EVERYTHING.....and who is just a wonderful, positive, classy, nice (but not in the "goody two-shoes way...just in an awesome kinda way), upbeat person....the type of person who you feel good just seeing or talking to any time of the day. She is inspirational to me...............
Well, sometimes it hits you like a bolt out of the blue.....like it did to me.  I mean..yeah....I thought she was beautiful from the moment I first laid eyes on her a couple years ago ...but it was as I got to know her better....and saw her interactions with people.....and how people just think the world of her..that I started to develop a crush....and the more I interacted with her myself...the more I started to notice how I was feeling. But like I said..there's always a complication.....I doubt she will ever like me the same way that I think I feel about her....and obviously...that is not HER fault or problem.   I do consider myself a good guy (again..not in the goody two-shoes way  LOL)....but that never seems to get me anywhere.  But I have honestly never had so much in common with someone or seen so much of myself in a person as I do with her.  And I think she is destined for greatness.....seriously....I have absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind about that. People like that...just end up doing great things. It's a fact.  You watch and see.....   
And of course...I gravitate to positive people......it's normal after so many years of being surrounded by negative people.....it's such a pleasant change. I believe in the whole astrology thing too......it's so accurate in how it describes my sign..and other signs....including hers.  It also says I will find women of  this particular zodiac sign  irresistible.....again..it's pretty damn accurate  LOL. I never throw myself at women..just not my style...and I never would with her either....for a couple reasons as I have said. I would have to get some kind of signals of her being interested in me.....and I am sometimes clueless about those. I often mistake kindness and friendliness for someone being interested...so I don't dare do anything stupid and possibly fuck up a great friendship....UNLESS I know for sure...But the battle rages on between the head and the heart......Like I said.....I am pretty sure that she doesn't or never would feel the same way......it's just so hard because I am so damn attracted to her.....and not just her looks...her personality (which is amazing)...her positive outlook.....even her sense of humor(which is so much like my own) .....it's so refreshing. We have the same taste in food...movies...books...TV shows.......she just keeps me smiling all day and night when we talk....seriously. And she has spunk..and everyone knows how much I love people with spunk !! I see total confidence too..which is also very attractive.
But I don't wanna be one of those creepy guys who obsesses over someone......I am an adult.....I can accept it if someone doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about them.  I can understand the reasons why ....and it doesn't make me or her a bad person for feeling that way. It's just part of life. .....but it won't stop me from being nice and doing nice things.....because that is just who I am. I'm a person who sometimes says he is sorry too much..but one thing I will NOT apologize for....is liking someone or being attracted to someone who I think is amazing in almost every way.
So I will just wait and keep my feelings to myself for now...it's just easier that way......and if ruining a good friendship is even remotely possible by me speaking up..then I won't risk it. The last thing I'd ever want is to make her feel uncomfortable around me......I'm sure she has tons of guys hitting on her(a guy would have to be blind AND stupid to not like her)....God knows there's alot of jerks out there....and I really feel bad for beautiful women nowadays....because they have to deal with those jerks on a daily basis.  I NEVER wanna be lumped in with "those guys"...because I am not like them.  But she deserves a good guy....and I'm not saying that guy is ME .....But like I said before, this just doesn't happen to me...I don't develop this kind of crush on a person.....never.....there's just so much to like about her....and I have yet to find anything to dislike. (No one is perfect, I understand that...but why go searching for things to complain about ...especially when they are so hard to find in the first place???)  But even just to hang out with her.....even if it's just as friends......go to a movie since we like all the same types of movies......a comedy show......whatever....would make me happy.  Like I said..people like this just don't come along every day.....if ever, in your life.   Who knows...stranger things have happened (but again...there are complications).
 Even though I have spent the last 10 years going after what I want and almost always getting it......I am hesitating here...as much as I want to....something is making me nervous about it.As I said earlier.... I don't want to mistake her kindness for her being interested......I would feel like a total idiot. ...and this might be a little too weird for HER..... And yeah..this is one time I really hope I am wrong. All I know...is that my life has been affected in a very positive way by her....and I didn't think that would ever happen to me again. I just wish I had a way of thanking her without risking making a fool out of myself. Is is better to know...even if it's a "no", than to sit around wondering all day?  God...I really wish I could read minds.......because unless she says something.....I will probably be too gunshy to ever say anything myself.