Part of my story.......

There are many things in life that make a person the way they are....some good...some bad...some tragic....some happy.   I decided to start writing about my own "things"(since writing is one of the ways I let off steam...as well as something I enjoy doing)to explain who I am and why.  Let me preface this by saying...I am usually (99.9% of the time) a VERY good judge of people. So much so that friends of mine..both men and women ask my opinion about their new girlfriends or boyfriends, because I just have an ability to see if a person is genuine or totally full of shit and putting on an act.  But i have made a couple mistakes.......mistakes that are the reason I have a very hard time trusting ANYONE. It takes alot to earn my trust and very few have it...but those who do have it, and who have earned it....can literally ask me anything, tell me anything or ask me FOR anything...and count on me.
Any way, my life was rolling along, I was married....with a son.   I had survived a car accident that should have killed me (and found out 7 years later that had damaged two vertebrae in my neck) and I thought everything was going well.  But things were about to change forever.
 Anyone who knows me , knows I am one of the most loyal people around...especially to friends and people I love or care about.  But I also live by the motto "If you screw me over once ...don't expect anything from me in the future."    So I was caught totally by surprise when my wife told me one day ...out of the blue.....that she no longer had any feelings for me.   It's kinda like a kick in the balls followed by a punch in the gut when something like that happens.  Sure, we have all had it happen when we are "dating" people....but this was just so out of the blue....that I didn't know what to say or do.  So I did what any normal person would do...I started wondering what I had done or what was wrong with ME.  My self confidence was totally destroyed and I went into a shell....one that would take me a couple YEARS to dig out of.  But dig out of it I did.........after getting separated.....I started noticing that women were paying alot more attention to me.  Now I am a clueless moron when it comes to women flirting with me (usually).  I had one girl actually say "You do realize I have been flirting with you for the last 3 hours don't you???"  (I literally had no idea). But that is because I have always gotten along with women so well...that I sometimes miss the signals....I tend to think these women just think I'm a nice guy (which I am...dammit...but don't call me one  !!  LOL).  But any way....I wasn't used to that much attention (especially after my situation at home deteriorated)...so i didn't know what the hell I was doing...and I pretty much lost control.....and I fucked everything in site(ok...if you know me..you know this is an exaggeration.....I do have self control...and I am not the type to go out picking up random women...but it's an expression...and I did go on a "binge, for lack of a better word. But I have good taste ....just needed to get that out there so there's no misunderstanding LOL). I'm not real proud of that...I'm not the "sleep around" type of guy...but I was on a mission to prove to MYSELF that is sure as hell wasn't ME that cause my separation.  So despite the fact that I wasn't proud of myself....I did get my self confidence back and got myself back to "normal"...whatever that means for me :)(it's funny how she actually talks to me more NOW than she ever did when we were together...she calls me all the time...of course, alot of times it's for money cuz she knows I won't say no)
But I did realize how much I HATE that whole "nightclub" and "one night stand" scene.
 Don't get me wrong...I love sex....matter of fact, I can be a bit of a perv...but I want it to MEAN something.....I need to feel some kind of connection.   I know I'm not like most men.....I usually don't sleep with random women that I just met and then act like nothing happened.(Obviously, if there is an attraction and an immediate spark...that is the exception....I'm human after all  LOL) But the "different girl every night thing.....it's just not me. Yep, I take alot of abuse from my guy friends......but it doesn't bother me in the least because I am who I am...and I'm happy with that.  Besides...I have alot more female friends than any of them because I am HONEST with women and I have a pretty good (but sometimes a little twisted) sense of humor. But also.. I don't feed them a bunch of bullshit in a feeble attempt to get laid like most guys do.  Women can sense I am not full of shit.....so they like to hang out with me and they feel comfortable talking to me. Matter of fact, almost all of my ex girlfriends, I am still friends with......JUST friends.....but we still talk and get along very well. I take great pride in that. Would I be in a "no strings attached" type relationship with someone...yeah...sure....but it would have to be with someone I like and have stuff in common with. How else can you actually please someone.....you can't figure them completely out in one night.....you have to try different things...see what works..see what doesn't...see what "hits the right spots and buttons".  Maybe it's just me...maybe I'm strange for thinking that...but I guess most people are just looking for one night stands...while I am looking for more.  A one night stand can lead to many more nights too ya know......and it doesn't have to be all about sex. If you have things in common and like the same things...you can still do stuff like movies, dinner....etc...and still keep it "casual". That's what I want if I were to have a "no strings attached" relationship with someone.  But I am likely to be the one who ends up getting attached (Much like Ashton Kutcher in the movie of the same name)  I watched that movie and thought to myself..."That is me....definitely".   I have too much of a "romantic side" ..... whether that's good or bad....depends on who you talk to I guess....but I will never give up on finding that "perfect for me" girl......even if it means waiting another 20 years.  I'm never gonna settle for less than I deserve again.
Any way.....I did learn a valuable lesson with all the crap I went through and it did help me realize the type of person I am...and honestly...I am happy with who I am. 

  I consider myself a nice guy......I like to do nice things for people....I'm not selfish....I'm generous....and I am honest (too much so sometimes...but that's just me).  I am probably never gonna go back to being the trusting soul I used to be.....it's a self defense mechanism now.  But like I said....those who I trust....can count on me for anything.
Hopefully...I haven't bored anyone to tears here with this long post....but writing is therapy for me......and only close friends can see this any way. 
So now you know why.......and how I became what I am today.
  Yes...it is a small miracle that I am still somewhat normal  :)