Life is strange sometimes

You never really know why certain things happen in your life.....why you meet certain people......why you lose touch with certain people. All you can do is chalk it up to fate and hope that whatever plan God has for you, isn't a bad one.  It all happens for a reason....sometimes you just have to look deeper to see what that reason is.
I went so many years being unhappy...having my trust betrayed, having people lie to me....somehow I managed to keep smiling and hiding it.  Sometimes you really start to believe that whatever God's plan is...that in it, you just aren't meant to be happy.  I don't know God personally....I was brought up catholic and just told to believe that he does everything for a reason....so that's what I still believe.    I had it rough in the last 11 years....no arguing that.  A car accident that nearly killed me...and almost crippled me. I walked around for 7 years with damaged vertebrae in my neck and pain in my back, neck and leg (all caused by the neck injury), and my doctor's didn't believe me....until they finally found the injury (thanks to ONE doctor who went above and beyond the call and forced Harvard Health to give me an MRI ).  So I had surgery on my neck and although I still have a little pain here and there and sometimes my back stiffens up...I am much better off.  I  have spent the last year busting my ass with a personal trainer and at the gym getting myself back into the kind of shape I was in before the accident. I still have a little ways to go...but I am not stopping until I am there. I am even doing P90X now and also joined another gym cuz my membership at my current one ends next week.....But right now I am in great shape.....and still busting my ass every week to get in even BETTER shape.  On top of that.....my personal life was in shambles for a while....no need to go into all the details.....since I have in previous posts...but as I have said..because of all that..trust does not come easy for me.  I don't trust many people.....it saves me heartbreak and pain that way.  But I want to be able to have someone to share everything with.....I have so much to give. I go out of my way to be nice to people...especially people I care about.  I am just always afraid to try and take it to the next level because of everything that's happened to me.  It's a self defense mechanism.......and it probably has cost me chances with some very nice women I have met over the past 7-8 years.  I just don't let them in or open up to them.  I also lost my job even though I busted my ass every day for those people........
 So any way..back to my point....everything that happened to me...led me to where I am right now....new outlook...new job....etc    And so, someone comes along who I just know....without a doubt...that is one of those people I would trust with my life......was I brought to this point to meet this person for a reason?
But there is always a complication......whether it's them being married...or age....or them just wanting to be casual friends.....or my own fear of rejection or taking it to the next level. ....it's always something.  It's not often that you meet a person who just seems to be everything you like in a person...and I mean EVERYTHING.....and who is just a wonderful, positive, classy, nice (but not in the "goody two-shoes way...just in an awesome kinda way), upbeat person....the type of person who you feel good just seeing or talking to any time of the day. She is inspirational to me...............
Well, sometimes it hits you like a bolt out of the blue.....like it did to me.  I mean..yeah....I thought she was beautiful from the moment I first laid eyes on her a couple years ago ...but it was as I got to know her better....and saw her interactions with people.....and how people just think the world of her..that I started to develop a crush....and the more I interacted with her myself...the more I started to notice how I was feeling. But like I said..there's always a complication.....I doubt she will ever like me the same way that I think I feel about her....and obviously...that is not HER fault or problem.   I do consider myself a good guy (again..not in the goody two-shoes way  LOL)....but that never seems to get me anywhere.  But I have honestly never had so much in common with someone or seen so much of myself in a person as I do with her.  And I think she is destined for greatness.....seriously....I have absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind about that. People like that...just end up doing great things. It's a fact.  You watch and see.....   
And of course...I gravitate to positive people......it's normal after so many years of being surrounded by negative people.....it's such a pleasant change. I believe in the whole astrology thing too......it's so accurate in how it describes my sign..and other signs....including hers.  It also says I will find women of  this particular zodiac sign  irresistible.....again..it's pretty damn accurate  LOL. I never throw myself at women..just not my style...and I never would with her either....for a couple reasons as I have said. I would have to get some kind of signals of her being interested in me.....and I am sometimes clueless about those. I often mistake kindness and friendliness for someone being interested...so I don't dare do anything stupid and possibly fuck up a great friendship....UNLESS I know for sure...But the battle rages on between the head and the heart......Like I said.....I am pretty sure that she doesn't or never would feel the same way......it's just so hard because I am so damn attracted to her.....and not just her looks...her personality (which is amazing)...her positive outlook.....even her sense of humor(which is so much like my own) .....it's so refreshing. We have the same taste in food...movies...books...TV shows.......she just keeps me smiling all day and night when we talk....seriously. And she has spunk..and everyone knows how much I love people with spunk !! I see total confidence too..which is also very attractive.
But I don't wanna be one of those creepy guys who obsesses over someone......I am an adult.....I can accept it if someone doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about them.  I can understand the reasons why ....and it doesn't make me or her a bad person for feeling that way. It's just part of life. .....but it won't stop me from being nice and doing nice things.....because that is just who I am. I'm a person who sometimes says he is sorry too much..but one thing I will NOT apologize for....is liking someone or being attracted to someone who I think is amazing in almost every way.
So I will just wait and keep my feelings to myself for now...it's just easier that way......and if ruining a good friendship is even remotely possible by me speaking up..then I won't risk it. The last thing I'd ever want is to make her feel uncomfortable around me......I'm sure she has tons of guys hitting on her(a guy would have to be blind AND stupid to not like her)....God knows there's alot of jerks out there....and I really feel bad for beautiful women nowadays....because they have to deal with those jerks on a daily basis.  I NEVER wanna be lumped in with "those guys"...because I am not like them.  But she deserves a good guy....and I'm not saying that guy is ME .....But like I said before, this just doesn't happen to me...I don't develop this kind of crush on a person.....never.....there's just so much to like about her....and I have yet to find anything to dislike. (No one is perfect, I understand that...but why go searching for things to complain about ...especially when they are so hard to find in the first place???)  But even just to hang out with her.....even if it's just as friends......go to a movie since we like all the same types of movies......a comedy show......whatever....would make me happy.  Like I said..people like this just don't come along every day.....if ever, in your life.   Who knows...stranger things have happened (but again...there are complications).
 Even though I have spent the last 10 years going after what I want and almost always getting it......I am hesitating here...as much as I want to....something is making me nervous about it.As I said earlier.... I don't want to mistake her kindness for her being interested......I would feel like a total idiot. ...and this might be a little too weird for HER..... And yeah..this is one time I really hope I am wrong. All I know...is that my life has been affected in a very positive way by her....and I didn't think that would ever happen to me again. I just wish I had a way of thanking her without risking making a fool out of myself. Is is better to know...even if it's a "no", than to sit around wondering all day?  God...I really wish I could read minds.......because unless she says something.....I will probably be too gunshy to ever say anything myself.

again?

So, this company that wanted me to go to Vegas and film a couple scenes in a video for them.....KEEPS emailing me....they are offering me even MORE money !!  It's getting harder and harder to keep saying no.  But I told them there was no way I could get any time off from work in the near future...so that leaves the door open if I change my mind(which I have no intention of doing)...and also gets them off my back for a little while. Yes...I have done it  before...but it was 7 years ago....and we had total control of all the photos and video...thsi would be different.  So it's just a bad idea  LOL.   But hopefully that's the last time I hear from them

Moron drivers

So...today...I am sitting in a long line of traffic at a train crossing in Framingham...on my way to work.......and the guy in front of me moves up about 3 feet......  I really didn't see the point of moving ahead three feet since the train was coming.......but I hear a BEEP BEEP behind me......the FOOL behind me was beeping for me to move up. It didnt seem to matter that we weren't gonna be moving for a good 5 minutes while the train crossed.....he absolutely needed to be three feet ahead of where he was.  So I kinda busted his balls and didn't move....and he beeped again. I waved to him.....yes..I can be an asshole BACK to people who are assholes...he beeped yet again...so I inched up the 3 feet....rolled down my window and yelled back to him that he was now 3 feet closer to work and if that made him happy.  No response......just a finger......lol.  So, the train goes by...the gate goes up...and the light finally changes. Traffic , of course, doesn't move right away....I am like the 5th car in line to go thru the light....the idiot is 6th.....the cars start to move..but I wait a little longer...timing it so the light turns yellow as I am going thru it. The light changes to red....assclown runs the light behind me...and BAM....out of nowhere...the Framingham police appear  LOL.  (in my Russel Peters voice)"Oh oh..someone's gonna get a ticket"  LOL    I wish I could have stopped to watch...but I couldn't . So not sure if he got a ticket or a warning..but I'm guessing a ticket since he ran a red light at a busy intersection.  Yes...I can be evil when people piss me off....and "Mr Impatient" did exactly that.   But I got the last laugh didn't I? I hate to use a "Sheenism"...but .....WINNING !!!  That made my day a good one...no matter how the rest of it went.    :)

Movies

Gonna be an interesting 2 weeks for movies........Harry Potter Deathly Hallows DVD is coming out next Friday.........can't wait to watch that again........it's gonna make me more anxious for Part 2.....July isn't gonna come fast enough.  I also am looking forward to "Your Highness" this weekend.  Not real big on the "Arthur" remake...not a Russel Brand fan..and Arthur was a classic..no need to do a remake.....it won't be as good....no chance. But I will check it out.....             I'm going to the Red Sox game Saturday...so I am either gonna go to see "Your Highness" on Friday or Sunday.  At some point...I have to relax on a weekend.....I'm running myself ragged......but it isn't gonna be THIS weekend  LOL  :)

Sara Bareilles

There aren't many artists I would go see in a dilapidated concert hall...but Sara Bareilles was definitely one of them.  I absolutely love her music. She has an amazing voice....upbeat, toe tapping music that has a jazz tone to it sometimes. She is also a great musician and songwriter. Listen to her lyrics...awesome.  She also has that "spunk" that I LOVE in people. I have told the story of "Love Song" to many people......how she was told by her record company that they wouldn't release her album until she wrote a "love song" for it......so she wrote "Love Song".....basically as a big middle finger FUCK YOU to the record company.  They didn't even listen to it..they just released it because it was titled "Love Song"...........hilarious. But you've GOTTA love that kind of spunk. Her cover of Cee Lo Brown's "Fuck You" was awesome. She also played all of her big hits including Love Song, Uncharted, Gravity and my favorite "King of Anything". She kept everyone on their feet all night....and the people who were in the audience were REAL fans because they knew the words to EVERY song and even drowned Sara out on a  couple of songs. She made sure to say she was coming back, probably in the summer.....looking forward to maybe seeing her again. It was great to see her headlining....last time I saw her, she was part of Lilith Fair and didn't get nearly enough time to perform. This more than made up for that.....
She is one of the more underrated performers today....it just amazes me that more people don't see just how awesome she is. She proved it again Saturday night !!

Why do I get aggravated sometimes?

Ha ha...get comfortable...this could be a long one.
After everything I have gone thru in the last 10-12 years....it's a miracle that I wasn't in a bell tower with a shotgun playing "judge jury and executioner" to people who have wronged me over that time.  But I decided to go another route.  I decided to just ignore the stupidity...the evilness...the mean people who are on this Earth to do nothing but piss people off and complain.  Do I complain sometimes? Of course....you have to sometimes. But I am trying to live my life positively.  I really get inspired by people who can do that. I have seen it in action now......and it amazes me. So I decided a year ago that THAT is what I want my life to be like...positive.   But there are always gonna be people who will try to rain on that parade.  I understand that some people just don't "get me".....they don't understand the change that can happen to a person when they stare death right in the face, but somehow survive it.  It does change you.  I decided to live my life the way I wanted to..not the way OTHERS want me to. They either don't understand that, or don't like it. It bothers them that I don't care what they think......but  I am smart enough and have good enough morals (stop laughing...I do)and judgement to do just fine on my own...thank you very much.
I WILL make mistakes....but that's part of life. I am not perfect...thank God.  I hope people understand how absolutely FUCKING BORING "perfect" is.    OK....sorry...went off on a small rant...but I warned you this could get long.....and I'm just getting started.
I consider myself a nice guy...and enough people tell me that I'm a good person, that I feel like I am doing something right.  I'd do anything for someone I like or care about.
However...I absolutely DETEST being called "nice, or innocent".  That drives me fucking nuts.  I can be crazy, wild and kinky more than most people(My ex girlfriends and even my ex wife will attest to that.........I'm a Scorpio after all....so trust me) I just don't run around like a testosterone driven douchebag like most of the guys nowadays.  But as for wild and crazy......I have done porn.....and gotten paid for it...so there !!  I even got another offer to do more recently...but turned it down. I'm not sure why...the money was good....I just didn't feel like it was a good idea. I even asked for opinions.I also entered an amatuer night strip contest down in South Carolina...and yes..alcohol WAS involved, but I still did it.  LOL So don't call me innocent mother fuckers !!!
But my shyness has come back lately.....and I'm not sure why. I'm having some real strange emotions lately....I think I know why..but I just have to keep my mouth shut and not do anything silly. Not an easy thing for a person who usually goes after what he wants with reckless abandon. But sometimes you just aren't sure if the other person is interested in THAT way..........so why put yourself "out there" to get hurt again? It's really hard to hold back what I am feeling.....and it's getting tougher each day....especially when there is so much in common.....but like I said...I just don't think the other person feels the same way. Believe me...if she did...I'd have no hesitations at all.
It's possible to be a decent guy and still be fun.  What's that saying that guys say about women...they want "a lady in public and a tiger in the bedroom".  Well, that's pretty much me....except for the lady part...lol...shut up...you get my point.   So the other day...I get the "you look so sweet and innocent" comment.....and I didn't exactly respond to it in a nice way  LOL (anyone who knows me , knows I don't usually take compliments very well any way....I just feel funny when people do that). So I responded how much I HATE being called innocent........and the woman got all offended (how do you like it ???)  I told her it was nothing personal...I just hate being called innocent........just so she would not feel bad............FAIL !!!  She got offended...and told me "You obviously need to get laid"........which is ANOTHER comment I can't stand (yeah Miss...you are batting a big fat ZERO at this point).  So I responded with "TRUST me...I have been married before....I can do 6 months with no sex standing on my HEAD...plus God gave me a right hand.....I'll be ok". (and even if she was 100% RIGHT.....I wasn't gonna let her win that argument  LOL)
Oops...offended her again  LOL   But that's me.....I sometimes can't stop myself.  I am sarcastic to the end....and quick with the humor.  It's why people like me.....but it's also why people DON'T like me as well.
But again.....I don't care if people I don't know like me or not. I care about family and friends and would die for them......and their opinions do matter to me. But I'm not gonna lose sleep over opinions of strangers.
  So getting back to my original point(sorry that I once again went all over the place and didn't stick to my original point..but once I get rolling..it all comes gushing out LOL)....I am trying to surround myself with people who are positive...upbeat and pleasant to be around.  It really makes a difference in life....and I have noticed myself being much happier since I started doing this.    I will close by saying...try it....seriously.
And if I go off on a rant.....it's therapy.....and we all need that too.
Bye for now !!

Part of my story.......

There are many things in life that make a person the way they are....some good...some bad...some tragic....some happy.   I decided to start writing about my own "things"(since writing is one of the ways I let off steam...as well as something I enjoy doing)to explain who I am and why.  Let me preface this by saying...I am usually (99.9% of the time) a VERY good judge of people. So much so that friends of mine..both men and women ask my opinion about their new girlfriends or boyfriends, because I just have an ability to see if a person is genuine or totally full of shit and putting on an act.  But i have made a couple mistakes.......mistakes that are the reason I have a very hard time trusting ANYONE. It takes alot to earn my trust and very few have it...but those who do have it, and who have earned it....can literally ask me anything, tell me anything or ask me FOR anything...and count on me.
Any way, my life was rolling along, I was married....with a son.   I had survived a car accident that should have killed me (and found out 7 years later that had damaged two vertebrae in my neck) and I thought everything was going well.  But things were about to change forever.
 Anyone who knows me , knows I am one of the most loyal people around...especially to friends and people I love or care about.  But I also live by the motto "If you screw me over once ...don't expect anything from me in the future."    So I was caught totally by surprise when my wife told me one day ...out of the blue.....that she no longer had any feelings for me.   It's kinda like a kick in the balls followed by a punch in the gut when something like that happens.  Sure, we have all had it happen when we are "dating" people....but this was just so out of the blue....that I didn't know what to say or do.  So I did what any normal person would do...I started wondering what I had done or what was wrong with ME.  My self confidence was totally destroyed and I went into a shell....one that would take me a couple YEARS to dig out of.  But dig out of it I did.........after getting separated.....I started noticing that women were paying alot more attention to me.  Now I am a clueless moron when it comes to women flirting with me (usually).  I had one girl actually say "You do realize I have been flirting with you for the last 3 hours don't you???"  (I literally had no idea). But that is because I have always gotten along with women so well...that I sometimes miss the signals....I tend to think these women just think I'm a nice guy (which I am...dammit...but don't call me one  !!  LOL).  But any way....I wasn't used to that much attention (especially after my situation at home deteriorated)...so i didn't know what the hell I was doing...and I pretty much lost control.....and I fucked everything in site(ok...if you know me..you know this is an exaggeration.....I do have self control...and I am not the type to go out picking up random women...but it's an expression...and I did go on a "binge, for lack of a better word. But I have good taste ....just needed to get that out there so there's no misunderstanding LOL). I'm not real proud of that...I'm not the "sleep around" type of guy...but I was on a mission to prove to MYSELF that is sure as hell wasn't ME that cause my separation.  So despite the fact that I wasn't proud of myself....I did get my self confidence back and got myself back to "normal"...whatever that means for me :)(it's funny how she actually talks to me more NOW than she ever did when we were together...she calls me all the time...of course, alot of times it's for money cuz she knows I won't say no)
But I did realize how much I HATE that whole "nightclub" and "one night stand" scene.
 Don't get me wrong...I love sex....matter of fact, I can be a bit of a perv...but I want it to MEAN something.....I need to feel some kind of connection.   I know I'm not like most men.....I usually don't sleep with random women that I just met and then act like nothing happened.(Obviously, if there is an attraction and an immediate spark...that is the exception....I'm human after all  LOL) But the "different girl every night thing.....it's just not me. Yep, I take alot of abuse from my guy friends......but it doesn't bother me in the least because I am who I am...and I'm happy with that.  Besides...I have alot more female friends than any of them because I am HONEST with women and I have a pretty good (but sometimes a little twisted) sense of humor. But also.. I don't feed them a bunch of bullshit in a feeble attempt to get laid like most guys do.  Women can sense I am not full of shit.....so they like to hang out with me and they feel comfortable talking to me. Matter of fact, almost all of my ex girlfriends, I am still friends with......JUST friends.....but we still talk and get along very well. I take great pride in that. Would I be in a "no strings attached" type relationship with someone...yeah...sure....but it would have to be with someone I like and have stuff in common with. How else can you actually please someone.....you can't figure them completely out in one night.....you have to try different things...see what works..see what doesn't...see what "hits the right spots and buttons".  Maybe it's just me...maybe I'm strange for thinking that...but I guess most people are just looking for one night stands...while I am looking for more.  A one night stand can lead to many more nights too ya know......and it doesn't have to be all about sex. If you have things in common and like the same things...you can still do stuff like movies, dinner....etc...and still keep it "casual". That's what I want if I were to have a "no strings attached" relationship with someone.  But I am likely to be the one who ends up getting attached (Much like Ashton Kutcher in the movie of the same name)  I watched that movie and thought to myself..."That is me....definitely".   I have too much of a "romantic side" ..... whether that's good or bad....depends on who you talk to I guess....but I will never give up on finding that "perfect for me" girl......even if it means waiting another 20 years.  I'm never gonna settle for less than I deserve again.
Any way.....I did learn a valuable lesson with all the crap I went through and it did help me realize the type of person I am...and honestly...I am happy with who I am. 

  I consider myself a nice guy......I like to do nice things for people....I'm not selfish....I'm generous....and I am honest (too much so sometimes...but that's just me).  I am probably never gonna go back to being the trusting soul I used to be.....it's a self defense mechanism now.  But like I said....those who I trust....can count on me for anything.
Hopefully...I haven't bored anyone to tears here with this long post....but writing is therapy for me......and only close friends can see this any way. 
So now you know why.......and how I became what I am today.
  Yes...it is a small miracle that I am still somewhat normal  :)